Tim Trainor

I’m a sucker for a lottery, but not enough of a sucker to fall prey to the Powerball. Even when that nationwide jackpot crept over $2 billion — more than the annual GDP of Belize or the down payment for a two bedroom home in Central Oregon — I held firm. I know a sucker’s bet when I see one.

The Las Vegas Review-Journal compiled a list of things more likely to happen to you than cashing a winning Powerball ticket. Their list included: being killed by a meteorite, canonized as a saint by the Catholic Church or giving birth to conjoined twins. Leave it to a Las Vegas newspaper to remind us what a bad gamble is.

The article didn’t spell it out exactly, but the odds of winning the Powerball may be roughly the same as being born as a conjoined twin, THEN being canonized a saint AND THEN being killed by a meteorite. Definitely a longshot trifecta that would make for a great comic book.

Despite the insanely low odds, I understand why folks play the Powerball. More than half of Americans play the lottery every year, and one-in-eight play it every week.

I do think it’s possible to get your $2 of pleasure before the numbers are even chosen by daydreaming the night away and thinking about what you’ll do with the money. There’s plenty of joy in thinking about the places you’ll go and the things you’ll build, the good deeds you’ll do and the problems that will be solved by a couple billion in gold bullion.

And don’t believe the rumor that lottery winners often find their way back to being broke and miserable — that their lives fall apart under the strain of unimaginable wealth. Sure, it happens. And when it does, juicy books are written about the mayhem that ensues. But a number of recent studies have shown the chances are no higher for lottery winners than those in any other socio-economic strata — and that nearly 90 percent of lottery winners rate themselves “happier” decades after their windfall than they were before.

Still, we must never forget the hiphop credo: “More money, more problems.” And there’s something there. A nest egg of that size does bring with it some additional pressures. Those pressures and possibilities mean lottery players can find something to be thankful for, win or lose.

But I have found a better option. An Oregon lottery that costs nothing, has a fair chance of cashing in and gives you the chance to enjoy something beyond your means. Every year, the Oregon Liquor and Cannabis Commission holds a lottery for a chance to win limited release products — often hard-to-find, aged whiskeys that go for big bucks on the black market.

Often, those sought-after bottles get immediately scooped up by resellers and price gougers, who buy out a state liquor store’s inventory and sell them online at big markups. That prices out winter evening sippers like me, who doesn’t have a bottomless wallet but enjoys the flavor of something that has been seeping in an oak barrel since I was a toddler.

Last week, the OLCC held their 2022 chance-to-purchase lottery. The top prize was a 17-year bottle of Old Fitzgerald, available for its retail price of $199. A quick google shows bottles of that same stuff selling for more than $1,500 online. There were a number of other bottles up for grabs in the lottery, ranging in price from $149 down to $39.

The lottery is free to enter, though you have to be of legal drinking age and an Oregon resident. If your name is drawn you win the opportunity, not the obligation, to purchase the bottle in question. It is then shipped to your local liquor store and the purchase is made. Each winner must enjoy the product themselves, not turn around and resell it on the black market, which would defeat the purpose of the lottery.

It’s not a billion dollars, but I’d be pretty pleased to see my name pulled out of a hat and given the chance to buy that Old Fitzgerald. And I’d be sure to enjoy it in moderation — would hate for the lottery winner’s curse to find me.