The Annual Spring Pretty Hot Air Balloon Festival was the highlight of March events on the campus of Upper Metolius State College of Engineering and Poetry.

This year, as always, groups of students traveled south on Interstate 97 to La Pine, Gilchrist, Crescent, and even to Chemult in search of used blue tarps, according to Dr. Brent Woodley, acting Dean and Dean of Acting. “The tarps were generally of slightly higher quality this year,” he said, “doubtless due to the allocation of the snows of winter, which mostly fell near skiers.” He went on to thank professors Anna Batic and Beau Fortscale for their deep dive in the drifts of snow.

Student ballon teams are chosen by Professor Sonja Hems, who teaches credit classes in stitchery, needlepoint, candle wicking, fishbone stitching, peduncle chaining, and sockplugs. “Great crop of students this year,” she said. “We were able to field eight teams with a good variety of skills in each one.”

Students spend the week before the Festival stitching together blue tarps into fanciful shapes, each team hoping to win the traveling trophy, a medium-sized helium tank knitted out of rusty bobwahr. “Kind of a silly trophy for all the work they do,” Professor Hems said. “But this annual event builds community. Our school and our alleyways are the richer for it.”

Dr. Woodley commented the next day that the Festival was a ‘requalified’ success. “Yesterday I announced that it was an unqualified success, but the fact that two of the balloons have not yet been found forced me to walk back my statement. We also hope the crews of the two balloons will walk back too.”

Each basket contains a captain, first officer, navigator, three flight attendants, seven paying passengers, and a sommelier (wine steward). Cargo, in addition to the wine glasses, the carafe, and the air for the wine to breathe, is limited to small bags of three peanuts each for the passengers.

“Prior years have set a high bar for these balloon builders,” Woodley said. “2019 was a dandy. The theme was ‘Poisonous and Annoying Plants of the High Desert.’ The winner was a lovely white datura flower. It was last seen headed toward Long Creek from Mr. Vernon. I hated to see that one get away. But at the same time, at least some of the students see what success looks like.”

This year’s theme was ‘Vintage Prom Dresses From Portugal and Schleswig-Holstein.’

Woodley was asked about the energy source for the hot air balloons. “You’re trying to bait me to talk about some of our windbag professors,” he quipped, winking twice for effect. “Not going to bite on that one. “One team’s firepit was fed by rolled-up coupons for Jo-Ann’s products. Often found stuffed in SUV jockey boxes and vinyl purses. Another used juniper branches which they found, stripped of berries, out behind three local distilleries. Looks like it’s going to be a good year for gin,” he said.

There were reports that one of the balloons had touched down near Post and the crew had bought T-shirts at the store. Another blue monstrosity was spotted near Seneca, and the entire student body, faculty, staff, and administration of Upper Metolius State College of Engineering and Poetry breathed a sigh of relief until it was later announced that was Seneca, Kansas, not Seneca, Oregon.

The intrepid acting Dean and Dean of Acting shifted the subject quickly to a new class offered next semester. “We’re combining the expertise of two of our most popular teachers, namely Miss Sonja Hems in Stitchery and Marsha Lartz, our hand-over-fist combat professor, who will be co-teaching a class called ‘The Crewel Art of Self-Defense.’”

The college registrar is bracing his office for the onslaught of eager learners.

— Lee Barker is a longtime Redmond resident, woodworker, musician, instrument inventor and most recently the author of the memoir “Plausible Gumption.