The Board of Trustees of Upper Metolius State College of Engineering and Poetry recently issued a memo directing the Department of Outreach and Public Events to be proactive in generating full use of the college campus for OPEs. “Open Public Events,” translated Dr. Brent Woodley, Acting Dean and Dean of Acting, “open our doors and gates for members of the community to enjoy and, even when they don’t notice, to maybe learn something.”

That those who received this memo understood it and acted upon it was clear this past weekend. “No, I wouldn’t call it double-booking,” defended Dr. Woodley. “I’d rather list it as ‘Maximizing Utilization of Facilities Existing’ or MUFE.”

The events in question were The Society for Creative Anachronism’s annual Parade of Medieval and Evil Machines of War and the Semi-Quarterly Harmon-Off of the Society for the Preservation and Encouragement of Barber Shop Quartet Singing in America.

Those unfamiliar with the latter group might think of it as songs sung by groups of four which actually sound like six except that the very highest parts and the lowest parts sound as if those singers are about to fall off the stage clutching their lungs. Emergency medical teams are always standing by.

The featured weapon of the PMEMW event this year is the ballista, which can be similar in size to but is more easily pronounced than the trebuchet.

“The ballista,” Dr. Woodley explained, “is a wooden thing that shoots arrows much like a crossbow does, the difference being that a crossbow can be carried by one warrior while it takes about 50 to move the ballista around. In fact, moving a ballista may be the reason the wheel was invented. Archaeology has yet to answer that question.”

It was this writer’s good fortune to be standing in front of Dr. Artie Phact, chair of the Department of Old Stuff at UMSCEP. “We are getting closer,” he muttered. “We haven’t dug out a ballista with a wheel yet, but we found a pottery shard containing three lugnuts. We think we’re onto something.”

By mid afternoon Saturday the singers had rung the rafters and sung for laughter in the auditorium and, followed by their audience, made their way onto the College Quad where the ballista slingers had run out of bolts and, what with Jo-Ann’s closing, were unable to find any bolts to shoot with or at.

“I can help!” It was Theo Dolite, Professor of Surveying, who came running up with a bundle of 36-inch survey stakes, perfect ammo for the ballista.

What happened next validated the memo from the UMSCEP Board of Trustees. While the SPEBSQSA crowd was preparing for their Bonfire of Rock and Roll Records, someone threw a record up in the air, way up, and what was a medieval warrior who stood at the trigger of an authentic, full-scale, loaded-and-locked artillery piece to do?

He shot.

The stake penetrated the center hole of the 45rpm record and “Get a Job” landed on the sidewalk and shattered into more pieces than there were flavors of Jell-O served in the college cafeteria at any given lunch.

A SPEBSQSA tenor threw up a copy of “Judy’s Turn to Cry” and the survey stake homed in on its yellow label like a yellowjacket onto a T-bone.

The two groups, singers and slingers, left at dusk together, agreeing to meet again in three months.