Lee Barker

A naked calendar shouts accusations of a lackadaisical life, the creeping virus of non-involvement, and just plain boredom. So let’s fill in those little boxes with stuff that will enlighten, entertain, and turn your Redmond Life into Redmond Lifestyle.

The fading of the stimulating and gluten-free Farmer’s Market leaves a hole in Fridays but there’s good news on the horizon: The Long Winter’s Night Market will start in late November, exact date to be determined. Early enrolling vendors include Max’s Snowballs and Benny Honnah’s Hawaiian Shave Snow. An exclusive interview with Max indicates he is looking for sticks. He favors elm for its pungent, dark flavor additions.

“It’s like a molasses-honey blend with an overtone of cream of tartar,” he told us. How the sticks will contribute to his product is not revealed.

Don’t put away those golf clubs yet! Mid-October’s annual Final Six at Kinzua Festival approaches as the greens get less so at this lovely and obscure golf coursette featuring scenic overlooks of sprawling Wheeler County but for the trees. Golf carts, both internally combusted and voltified, will line up at Eberhard’s Dairy for the traditional Le Mans start.

Newcomers be advised: You must have your golf bag securely fastened to the cart and, at the starter’s whistle, run from the opposite curb carrying all your golf clubs (putter excepted) and twos golf balls (hence the common slang term for the event: “Hamster Cheeks Golf Day”) and place them in the bag in proper order. Then, and only then, can you take off your blindfold and start your cart.

Again this year the qualifying heats for the caddy-jumping part of the Kinzua competition will take place at Willowdale. The ramps are nearly complete at this writing. The top ten jumpers, provided their carts pass technical inspection, will compete in the finals on their way back home. Caddies will be rotated for fairness. Trophies will be awarded at Eberhard’s until dark. It will be a long day, but a good one. Wear wool.

You have probably noticed the absence of H2obart’s Distilled Water food cart at your local, well, food carts. H2obie gave up his space to Jaimie, whose very imitable chopped-banana-seed and fava beans sludge has got our town’s foodies speed-texting at approximately all hours on any given, or taken, day. H2obie has carted back and backed his cart into the old garage on Snicker2dle Lane and is planning a complete rebranding. That, and replacing some of the interior of the cart.

Turned out what he thought was stainless steel was actually stainful steel, and the State Restaurant Inspector was inflexible about counting the inevitable rust as an iron supplement in H2obie’s award-winning distilled water. You may raise your eyebrows about this, exhaling something about government interference in private enterprise, but think about it. Just because cabbage grows in dirt, that doesn’t mean we have to eat dirt with it just to feel connected to the earth.

Finally, for today, a real hands-down, hands-on (ev’rybody clap your hands) Do-It-Yourself opportunity for Redmondites who feel their privacy is at stake even though they have inserted one capital, two digits, three symbols not to include @, and four calling birds into their street address: How to Build a Privacy Fence With Used Caulking Tubes. Call it busy work, call it ChapStick on a pig, but those caulking tubes are a yukky addition to the mix at Negus. Get a second use out of them, and show up a week from Saturday at 9 a.m. at the Northside Futile Events Center and bring your own duct tape.

It’s gonna be a great month in Redmond, especially since your calendar is no longer naked.